We believe there is one critical factor that often comes in the way of individuals venturing on the “romantic recovery path.” But it is so treacherous, so deceitful, that we like to refer to the phenomenon as the Impostor. This individual is very, very good at what he does and he finds sadistic pleasure in adapting his disguises, simply to deprive folks like us from one of our fundamental birthrights: the right to love and to be loved.

So who is that Impostor? Well, he’s a shorty. Just a four letters word: FEAR! But don’t get mislead by his diminutive stature. The fellow has proven time and time again that he can stall anyone who’s not watchful enough. As any great impostor, he uses several covers to achieve his means and deceive us. So let’s look at three of his most famous ones.

The FEAR of Being or Staying Alone
The Fear of Being or Staying Alone is nothing more than a lack of faith and a lack of confidence. The irony with this one is that people who get deceived by it are seldom alone! They typically jump from one relationship to another without ever questioning why they can’t seem to find a lasting relationship. Yet, from one time to another, they expect different results… Our advice here is simple. Stop compromising. You should never settle because of the FEAR of Being or Staying Alone.

The FEAR of Rejection
This is one of our impostor’s favourite camouflage and one many of us have experienced first hand. Remember when you first went into that new school as a child? Or, when you had just moved to that new neighbourhood? Remember how you badly you wanted to “be accepted” by the new kids you just met? And if they never “took you in,” the only thought of it probably still hurts years later… Well, many experts say that if you once experienced rejection as a child, you are very likely to try to avoid it at all costs in your adult relationships. Including of course, your love life. It is one of our deepest human fears. FEAR of Rejection victims will just give up, and they would rather stay alone than even try to find a suitable mate. If you feel you fall in that trap, think of this well-known acronym for FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.

Kakorrhaphiophobia
Now this is some serious costume for any impostor and a most effective one for FEAR. Kakorrhaphiophobia is the fear of failure or defeat. The name is derived from the Greek phrase -kakos-, meaning bad and -phobos- meaning fear. In other words it is an intense, irrational fear of failure or defeat. According to many psychologists, individuals dealing with this phobia may fear failure from every angle of their life and should feel that they must constantly show themselves as being better, more in control and extra competent than others. A kakorrhaphiophobic individual might aggressively compete with peers, household members, co-workers and will obsessively seek acknowledgment of their achievements. What triggers the phobia? Specialists agree that a person suffering from Kakorrhaphiophobia has suffered a real-life trauma at some point in their life. Subsequently, when the phobic person confronts any scenario that even remotely reminds them of the trauma, their brain automatically signals a fight or flight reaction. And they run for the bushes… So here’s our recommendation. If you recognized certain of your personal behaviours, we would strongly encourage you to seek counsel from an acknowledged therapist on this issue.

It’s important that we all acknowledge and accept this reality: FEAR is an illusion. It morphs, disguises itself into a mirage behind which we often hide to shy away from starting any new blissful relationship. Go ahead. Confront the Impostor in your life. But if you want to “fly away” from it all, do it for the right reasons!

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Well, it’s happened to many of us, and sadly, it is still more prevalent than we think. In a Great Britain survey, over a third of 1,500 adults sampled, admitted being married to the wrong person. Shocking isn’t it? But it gets worst…  In another research, 42% of people using the Tinder dating app said that they already had a partner but, just kept looking…

That got us thinking. How could we coach a couple that would come to us for help after realizing they fell in love with the “wrong person?” What if Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump fell in love?

What If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump fell in love?

Here’s how we think the coaching session would go:

Mario: “How can we help you?”

Hillary: “Donald and I differ on too many issues now, and we both wonder if it can be reconciled. Quite frankly this is making me question if he’s the right partner for me.”

Diane: “Well this sounds like a very blunt assessment. Let’s start with you Donald. What do you think Hillary’s referring to?”

Donald: “I don’t know what she’s talking about. I think I’m a great partner. In fact if you knew me, you’d probably say that I’m among the best you’ve ever met. She’ll never have a better partner than me!”

Hillary: “Here we go again…”

Mario: “Okay, let’s try this… Donald, what would be your #1 reproach to Hillary?”

Donald: “I think she’s not transparent enough. It’s as if she has stuff she keeps hidden on a personal server somewhere…”

Hillary: “I told him many times that I will happily divulge anything he wants to see once he too unveils his personal stuff.”

Diane: “Alright then. What about you Hillary. What’s you top grievance with Donald?”

Hillary: “I never know where he stands. He speaks from both sides of his mouth and keeps changing his opinions all the time!”

Donald: “I never, never, do that. Believe me! I’m just showing flexibility at times, that’s all. Hillary is not a flexible person. Believe me!”

Hillary: “See how he is? He’s very condescending with women to say the least…”

Donald: “She keeps playing that women card with me. She knows NOBODY respects women more than me. NOBODY. I think because she’s part of the establishment, she’s used to get it her way all the time.”

Diane: “Wow… Let’s try the gentleness side of things… Couples all have cute loving nicknames they like to use with one another in their intimacy. I’m curious to know yours. Hillary, how do call Donald?”

Hillary: “The Apprentice.”

Donald: “I like to call her Crooked.”

Mario: “Okay guys, it seems like we’ll have to leave your disagreements aside for now. But before you had your differences, there must have been something you guys agreed upon, something both of you wanted to have. What was it?”

Hillary: “Well we wanted a better future for ourselves.”

Donald: “Yes, ‘Make Our Lives Great Again’!”

Hillary: “Yes! And we both had this dream for a new home. You know a nice house all painted in white with an iron fence around it… Then, he changed his mind like he always does, and decided he would build a wall instead of the fence to protect us from immigrants and Muslims… And he wanted me to pay for it! That’s when things started to go sour.”

Donald: “Yep, I remember. That was bad. Worst than a bad hair day…”

Diane: “So you’re done with your “white house” dream?”

Hillary: “Oh hell no! I still want it! But I’d rather move in with a womanizer than a racist!”

Donald: “I continue to think the wall is a great idea. Anyway, I still want my “white house” too.  And I’ll have it with someone who truly appreciates my interior design taste. You know I have the greatest interior design taste don’t you? I mean the GREATEST! Have you seen pictures of Mar-a-Lago?”

Mario: “Thank you guys, I think we’ll call it a day…”

*******

Nobody ever said that individuals needed to be identical in order to have a functional relationship. In fact we believe a “Hillary / Donald” type of couple could be viable, provided both parties have a deep understanding of Who They Are and What They Are Looking For. When we have that in place, it shields us from making 2 major mistakes:

1. Being blinded by someone’s true colors. 
2. Getting involved with somebody so “alien,” that He/She will eventually look to us like a different specie.

Charlton Heston, Planet of the Apes, 1968, 20th Century Fox

And just to be clear, this is not about tastes. Tastes are always arbitrary. After all, who’s to say vanilla ice cream is better than chocolate? And this is not about novelty either. Novelty is good, but at one point, every novelty becomes obsolete. Remember iTunes?

So to have a long lasting, blissful relationship, let’s all think Love Match rather than Mismatch. The first step as we highlighted above is to understand Who You Are. This will require a bit of work, but it is highly important to help you recognize your Love Match or reconcile any differences in your existing couple.  Take some time to identify the 4 areas that define Who You Are: your Gratitudes, your Beliefs, your Values and your Priorities. We call that your GBVPs.

As a second step, make a list of What You’re Looking For of your next partner. If you already have, it’s worth going back to your list and check if it is still relevant! If you haven’t, try to be as precise as possible. And one last thing: go beyond the physical attributes of the person because that’s often how we tend to get blinded… Beauty is highly important but it transcends body features.

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After browsing the web for a few hours, I decided to step outside to do a bit of work around the house, but mainly, to digest what my main findings were. This is something I do on a regular basis, not the manual work (trust me on this…) but just the habit of getting away from my desk after a while to let my brain do the processing.

As I was weeding out our driveway, the UPS truck showed up with a delivery. We order a lot of stuff online so this was not unusual, however, what unfolded after really was one of those “omen” moments. Through the years, I had seen that UPS driver dozens of times in our neighborhood and pulling in front of our house. Aside from the customary nods or “thank you’s,” him and I had never engaged in a real conversation. That particular afternoon though, after I had buried my head in all sorts of divorce data, out of the blue my “new friend” started to share with me “how his wife of 30+ years” had recently left him! According to his version of things -I never got to hear the other party- this was something he had never seen coming, and thus, was completely devastated…

It is a situation a lot more common than most people think. A study published by the National Center for Biotechnology Information, correlates that about two thirds of divorces in the United States are initiated by women. Many other studies in the U.K. show percentages as high as 72% for a “female initiated divorce.” Of course experts have examined all kinds of gendered, cultural and societal data to try to explain their findings, but the fact remains: many men find themselves facing an unwanted divorce or separation.

Apart from encouraging him and wishing him all the best, I didn’t do any coaching with the Delivery Man that afternoon. He had a route to cater to and I had to continue to battle the weeds infestation… But I have worked with a good bunch of men who fit his profile. You want to know what they have in common? Aside from the obvious pain that they all partake, the unifying thread I found with most of them is one that still baffles me whenever they share it with me: THEY DIDN’T SEE IT COMING! And they say this with convincing emotions! They had no clue the relationship was in jeopardy so this divorce/separation “thing” came in as a total surprise.

So the question is:
Are divorces or separations more difficult for a man or for a woman?

No it’s not. We strongly believe the pain is not limited to, or more intense for a specific gender. However, what we agree with is that “the unwanted effects of divorce/separation” and “how people can pick up what’s left of their lives and move on,” depends heavily on how one can muster the courage to look at oneself with the utmost honesty.

Those are the most important ingredients to overcome such situations: COURAGE and HONESTY. You’ll find them, over and over again, in our 3-Course Meal Separation Recovery Recipe.

1st Course: Denial Is Only Denying You
Whether you are a man or a woman, you need to read this carefully if you’re amongst the
“I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING GUYS…”
Maybe you heard him or her saying on the way out “It’s not you…It’s me.” And you bought that. So perhaps you’ve been repeating to your pals and to yourself:
“We had it all! We had the perfect relationship!” You did not. Because He or She left!
There were clues. There’s always “writing on the wall.” Bottom line is this: you lived in denial.

Deep down, you knew and you know something was off. But you chose to look the other way. You chose to deny it, and because you did, now you still make the same decision to carry on with it. You keep on saying, “I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING.” Stop the denial. The time has come for you to look at your own behavior in that relationship and take responsibility. It’s about owning and understanding your behavior. Look back at the clues and ask yourself “What could I have done to prevent this?” Here’s a starting hint: ADDRESSING a situation will ALWAYS improve your outcome rather than IGNORING it. Denial is only Denying You.

2nd Course: Stop The Blaming Game
We find that too many of us get stuck in our past. We play what we call the blaming game. We’re very good at blaming ourselves and blaming the others or the circumstances for what happened in our lives. What is key to understand is, that THIS IS NOT ABOUT the OTHER or the CIRCUMSTANCES, THIS IS ABOUT US, so it means taking responsibility for our results.

In order to move ahead with our lives, at one point we need to learn to forgive ourselves or the other for whatever happened. It’s certainly not an easy thing to do. It’s sometimes really hard, but understand that forgiveness does not mean that what the person did is not wrong, or that we have to transform our Ex into your BFF and start hanging out together all the time! Although that could be a wonderful thing… What it means is, when we take responsibility and we forgive ourselves first, we are in fact giving ourselves permission to move forward. Forgiveness is our Free Pass to Love!
Stop the Blaming Game.

3rd Course: Let Go And Let God
You heard that one before and although we can’t take the credit for it, this is one we use not only in our coaching but in our personal lives as well. Whether we like it or not, there are things in this life that are totally out of our control, things that we just don’t understand. Maybe you did have the “perfect deal” with your now ex-mate. Perhaps there is nothing you could have done to prevent the breakup. Why don’t you turn to God and let Him carry the load?

Our experience has been that when we do, when we accept that we’re only human and that we need Divine Intervention, with time not only does it lead us to a place of peacefulness, it also gives us the responses we just could not see before, and, it shows us why we had to live through certain things. We hope it can be the same for you. Let Go and Let God.

The post Our 3-Course Meal Separation Recovery Recipe appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.

Do you believe in strategy? We do. In fact we keep advocating that “great things happen to well prepared people.” So when it comes to finding the ideal partner for a long-lasting blissful relationship, the same thinking applies. If you truly want to shift your love life from “good” to “GREAT”, you need to put effective strategies at work.

We know… this is in direct contradiction with what today’s society is preaching.We live in a world of instant gratification. We carry amazing technologies in our pockets that allow us to do things and get information in light speed fashion like never before. So naturally, we think that everything needs to be faster and quick. Our TV programming is filled with “reality” talent shows that convey the idea that we can become a superstar overnight! From nobody, doing stuff by ourselves with our selfie camera in a living room, to having our face plastered on the marquee of a Las Vegas strip casino! But does it really work that way?

Think further about our example. The truth about those million dollar act winners is that they are everything but an “overnight” success. They are masters. They’ve been working at their craft, diligently and persistently… forever! Everything they do was carefully planned and thought of long in advance, leading them to develop a system, a methodology that they have turned into a masterpiece. ALWAYS. Trust us on this. There is no such thing as an overnight Maestro. So when we want our love life to be a masterpiece, why should we approach it differently?

Regardless of our age, gender, situation, or how many heartbreaks we may have had, if we truly want to find a long-lasting blissful relationship, this will likely involve a serious mindset shift on our part. It will necessitate learning new skills, and putting together a methodology, a new process towards love mastery. It will also entail the understanding that “process” takes “time”.

If you are ready to move, because for you, “good” is just “ain’t good enough” anymore; here’s our 10 Strategies To Shift Your Love Life From good to GREAT.

1. Choose No Compromise
   Make the choice of not settling anymore for anything less than what you truly want your next relationship to be. May sound simplistic, but it starts there.

2. Establish Your Self-Worth
   Get to know who you are. Not what you do for a living, not who you vote for, not your ethnic background, etc. Find out the real you by going within. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for, what you believe in, things you value and last but not least, what you prioritize in your life.

3. Take Stock Of Your Love-Worth
   Who’s gonna love you if you don’t? Filter through your Self-Worth answers, then determine and understand what makes you vibrate! When we take stock of what matters to us, what we truly care about, we take stock of our love-worth.

4. Forgiveness Is Your Free Pass To Love
   Are you holding grudge against anyone? Perhaps your own self? The plain truth is you have to stop looking backwards if you want to move forward. You have to forgive to be forgiven and be set free!

5. Be Clear On What You Want
   What is it that you want of your next relationship? Note that we did not drill it down to a person yet. This is about the relationship, the whole package made up by two individuals, which obviously includes you! From there, drill it down to what you would like your next partner to be. The more details the better. Clarity is Power.

6. Generate The “Well-Thought…Thoughts”
   There are actually two full chapters in our book on that topic, so we won’t be able to explain it in full details here. In a nutshell, this is where you get to flex your IQ
   (Imagination Quotient) to start attracting your ideal life partner. It is a 5 steps process:

1. Clarifying
2. Intentioning
3. Believing
4. Thanking
5. Attracting
   
   7.Run A Tight Ship
   This is the 1^st step to help you qualify if an individual can be “the one” you’ve been looking for. This means your expectations for the “relationship to be” should be clear for you and the other person. Act with leadership and decisiveness.

8. Choose Carefully Who Gets In Your Domain
   You are the CEO of your domain. As you resume dating, you will need to show up prepared for your first “meetings” with the individual, just as any good CEO would do. At this stage, improvisation will only stall and deviate you from your process.
9.  Enforce Your Personal Laws
   These are the non-negotiable, non-breakable laws or rules that you state for yourself to ensure that you are moving along with the right person. They scream loudly how much you love yourself, they reinforce that you are priceless, and thus, not willing to compromise your own self just to be with someone. Personal Laws emphasize that anything of great value deserves to be handled with care. Go ahead make a list and stick to them.

10. 10. Do Your Homework
    “The dog ate my homework” won’t do it for you any longer. Any process requires work, and this one will have to be on yourself. You will have to take the time to do self-reflective exercises because guess what─ nobody can do this for you!

We understand all of the above could be hard to register at times. If you haven’t already, we encourage you to download the free templates available on this website to help you complete some of the exercises highlighted in this post.

ReLovenshiply yours!

The post 10 Strategies To Shift Your Love Life From “good” to “GREAT” appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.

Before we answer the question, let’s define “romantic failures.” As aching as they are, we believe they need to be examined with a different set of eyeglasses. Look, we know it hurts, but there is an old quote that says:

Does this mean LOVE is a game of trial and error? Not necessarily. Hey, some nail it on their first attempt while many of us have bitten the dust a few times. Same was true in school remember? You busted your butt studying for the exam only to get a “C-“ (or worst… an “F”!) while your friend admittedly spent no time and got the “A+”… That’s just the way it is.

Therefore, we strongly think the so-called “romantic failures” should rather be looked at as “romantic setbacks.” Truly. A Romantic Setback can be an opportunity for a Life Changing Comeback. But like any worthwhile journey, the change can only be made when we take it step-by-step.

1. Draw A Portrait

Law Enforcement Squads do that all over the world when they chase down the bad guys. First, they analyze the crime scene with minute details. Then, they ask the Police Sketch Artist to get to work and draw what is known as a “facial composite.” They’ll also bring Shrinks in to analyze crime patterns. In a nutshell, they’ll make up as precise a portrait as they can of the individual they wish to one day take off the streets. If we “failed” more than once in our love life, why don’t we do the same, to make sure he/she gets the heck off our street? Why don’t we make a portrait of the type of person we keep falling for? What does he or she look like? What was I attracted to at the beginning? Where did we meet? Etc.

2. Become A Master

Some say, “If you wanna get better, you gotta work on your weaknesses.” We think this is good advice, if in fact, all you’re looking for is to “get better.” However, if you want to MASTER your love life, what we say is, “Copy the MASTERS, Focus on Your Strengths.” The top entertainers, business moguls, sports athletes, and so on; the ones that make it at the very top of their respective field do just that. They focus on their strengths to make them even stronger! Because that’s what sets them apart as MASTERS!
So what are your biggest strengths and attributes in a relationship? How can you make them stronger?

3. Take Ownership

We should always be looking for internal factors rather than external ones whenever we try to assess “what happened?” In other words, we need to take a close look at our own behaviour in the relationship rather than considering only the other party’s behaviour.

Listen. We know he was a jerk……. We understand she betrayed you…….
However, will he or she help you to move forward now? Of course not! So we need to be able to Take Ownership and ask ourselves the tough questions. Questions like: “What is it that I did to bring me to where I am? When did I first know things were going sour? What could I have done to prevent this?” Etc.

4. Try Gratefulness

Yes you heard that one many times before… but it’s true! Here’s the deal though: you can’t be phony. You have to be TRUE. Again we understand this is easier said than done. The plain truth is, sometimes we have to get mad before we can ever find the place of gratefulness.
So what is it that I am mad about? Is it the financial debts? Ok. Separation costs can be bitchy.
Is it that he left me for my “best friend?” Ouch… and Re-Ouch…
Or, is it that I feel I lost X good years of my life? That’s a tough one too. Time is the only non-renewable commodity we all have.
Whatever it is that we are mad about, we have to acknowledge it first. Brushing it under the rug will only deprive us from the invaluable teaching lessons we can find in each of our frustrations. Then, and only then, can we start to try to be TRULY grateful for what we experienced. Like it or not, there was some good stuff in there.

5. Practice Forgiveness

This one is First Cousin with our #4 step. You know the “mad stuff” we talked about? Thing is, we can’t carry that stuff forever. It’s just a too heavy load! Too many of us get stuck in our past. We keep playing the blaming game. We’re very good at blaming ourselves, others or circumstances for what happened in our lives. What is key to understand is, that if you want to kill the “F” word to move on in your romantic life, we need to learn to forgive ourselves, or the others, for whatever happened. Understand that forgiveness does not mean we have to make of our Ex our new BFF and start hanging out together all the time! Although that could be a wonderful thing. What it means is, when we forgive, we are giving ourselves permission to move forward and love again.

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Let’s face it, it’s not easy to steer clear of relationship roadblocks, even if a great majority of us long for a stable, peaceful and fulfilling relationship. And it seems even harder once we have experienced a serious heartbreak. So why does the quest to find a true life’s companion seem like Mission Impossible for so many? There is certainly no such thing as a “one size fits all” answer to that question but a study by the University of Arizona and Northwestern University sheds more light on the contributing factors to an effective path to recovery.

Researchers demonstrated that the trial group that spent time assessing their romantic misfortunes recuperated far more quickly than the group that didn’t reflect on their breakups. This confirms our own theory that people need to unpack what caused a relationship to fail if they wish to move forward on their journey to romantic revival. To put it bluntly: Don’t look for new love until you’ve looked hard at yourself. Otherwise, you’re likely to repeat the same painful patterns.

We also think the elusive search for true love has a lot to do with basic misconceptions that we’ve learned to associate with relationships. It’s high time that we debunk these relationships myths and misconceptions and expose the illogical thinking behind them. The next time you hit a bump in the relationship roadway (or maybe experienced a real crash-and-burn defeat), steer away from these five pieces of misguided advice. Otherwise, you may end up down another dead-end street.

1-Opposites attract

Think about this: If you’re a natural introvert, why would you choose a partner who’s the life of the party and always wants to be in the limelight? Or, if you’re outdoorsy and prefer the natural settings over the manmade environments, why would you go out with someone who prefers wandering through malls more than remote trails?

Looking for someone who’s preferences and lifestyle are 180-degrees the opposite of yours is a recipe for disaster. Do you sincerely think you can build a harmonious, lifelong relationship with someone you have next to no compatibility with? What’s more likely is that, once the infatuation is over, those opposite tendencies will turn out to be exactly what make the relationship fail. Instead, as you search for your soul mate, your odds for success will be higher if you seek out someone with similar qualities and common interests.

2-Love at first sight

We’ve seen this so frequently on the silver screen that we like to refer to it as the “Hollywood Syndrome.” You meet up with a friend who excitedly shares how the guy she just met is the one. She gushes about how “the instant I saw him, it was love at first sight.” Then she goes on to describe how their eyes met across the room, how they were drawn to each other, and how the sparks flew for the rest of the night. Then, sure enough, a few weeks later when you meet up again, she either tells you it’s over, or that they’ve taken their foot off the accelerator.

Okay, let’s be clear here. We’re not saying that love at first sight can’t ever work. We believe in connection, and chemistry, and all the alarms that go off when you’re attracted to someone. But, at some point early in the relationship, you’ll still need to assess what you truly value in a companion. You’ll need to listen to what your inner voice is telling you. What you see isn’t always what you get. The bottom line is, you’ll have to do the work if you want the relationship to last.

3-Sex by the third date is the new normal

Nowadays it’s hard to know just what the expectation is around sex. Some expect it on the first date; some think each party should know by the third date if there’s a connection, and act on it. Frankly, there’s no such thing as a set timeline for having sexual encounters.

Never feel pressured by what others say is the “normal” timeframe. It’s your own decision, based on what feels right for you. And, it’s important to remember that anything of value is worth waiting for. Keep in mind that whatever a relationship is built upon determines how well it holds up. In other words, if you build a strong foundation based on friendship, respect and trust, you’ll know if the structure will crumble or hold up when you weigh sex.

4-It’s better to get back on the horse

We’ve all lived through scenes like this at least once in our lives: You’re getting a haircut, and the guy in the chair next to you is spilling his guts about the girl who just dumped him. (Yes! Men talk about their relationships at the salon, too!) Meanwhile, the barber is listening and carrying on with his haircut until someone blurts out, “You’d better get back on that horse right away.” We hear this advice so often that it’s become like doctrine. But we stand to differ.

Every romantic setback is an opportunity for a life-changing comeback. But this can only happen when you take time to step back and truly examine who you are, what you bring to a relationship and, importantly, what you truly want.

5- Focus on your “worthiness”

We are all familiar with the fear of rejection. Many specialists link that fear to childhood. If you once experienced rejection as a child, you’re very likely to try to avoid it at all costs in your adult relationships. It’s one of our deepest human fears. Further, if you later lived through rejection in a love affair, your cicatrix certainly run deep.

Instead of falling victim to the fear of rejection by just giving up on finding a lifelong mate, take stock of your self-worth. Build a foundation of self-respect based on what makes you your unique self–your life experiences, your successes and disappointments, your personality and your passions. Who you are as an individual makes up your self-worth, and self-worth increases “love-worth.”

The post 5 Ideas to Steer Clear of Relationship Roadblocks appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.

This is the kind of news that does not get a lot of attention from big national media outlets most of the time, but it sure caught ours. It was the simple story of the Oklahoma City Fraternal Order of Police deciding to do what’s right for the single mothers in their community during Valentine’s Day. In conjunction with their residents they ended up choosing three single mothers and spoil them with roses, a set of earrings and a gift certificate to a reputable restaurant in their town. Needless to say the three winners were totally moved by those nice gestures from complete strangers, as most of us would.

But this probably rings more loudly with single moms as most of them get to carry their loads alone and too often, unnoticed. Diane knows first-hand what it’s like because she’s been a single mother. While she admits she was fortunate to benefit from an amazing support group, she looks back on that phase of her life as one that brought many fears and questions, often in the form of self-doubts.

“I felt lonely, and I truly thought that few others could relate to my situation. This was several years ago, in a world that was certainly different from today’s world for single moms. For instance, the likes of SingleParentMeet.com had not yet arrived. Skype couldn’t help me keep an eye on the little one when I went out. And less people were becoming single parents by choice. Still, when it comes down to the real anxieties and worries single parents face, has much really changed?” says Diane.

Still, the troubling concerns that single parents say torment their lives today sound identical to the ones Diane wrestled with more than two decades ago: “Am I a good enough mom?” “Will we be okay financially?” “When will I be able to find some time for myself?” “Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life?” And, the BIG one: “Will I ever be able to love and truly be loved again?”

We don’t pretend to have all the answers to the pressing questions Single Moms often ask themselves. But, we have 3 Reasons Why Single Moms Should NEVER Lose Hope of Finding True Love:

#1) The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Everything starts with a decision–a choice we make. What is yours? Are you just looking to meet someone, or are you seeking to love and truly be loved? This may sound simplistic, but it is the first step of any true love journey.

After her divorce, Diane found herself back on the dating scene as a single mother. It took her several failed relationships before she made a choice that changed her life. She decided she would no longer settle or compromise for anything less than a lasting, blissful relationship. And she was resolute in her decision, even if this meant remaining alone with her son for the foreseeable future.

#2) Make it a B.Y.O.S.

Party invitations refer to B.Y.O.B. Our advice to you is don’t jump into a new relationship unless you Bring Your Own Self.

Early on in a new relationship, many of us undermine who we really are just to seduce the person we are dating. We would rather camouflage our true identity than stay alone forever! Trust us on this: Once we make the choice to no longer compromise our true identity, to do the B.Y.O.S. thing, the lasting fulfilling relationship we deserve tends to manifest.

#3) We’re in charge.

We have to make a conscious effort to figure out the non-negotiables, or “personal laws” we require from a relationship. Once we’ve established our own needs and our own self-worth, we will have a clearer picture of our next relationship. We have to remain steadfast and unbending about our personal laws. This will help us avoid pitfalls on our quest to finding our ideal relationship, and it will show others that we care enough about ourselves to not compromise what we feel is important.

For Diane, her #1 personal law was:
                     My son has to be embraced, not just accepted.

Diane had been in situations where she knew this wasn’t the case, and it didn’t feel right. This became a non-negotiable condition for her. Personal laws are by nature…personal! There’s no one set of requirements. But, if we fail to establish them–or worse, if we don’t implement them as we embark on our next relationship, chances are this will end up as a deal breaker later on.

Our takeaway is simple. It’s certainly normal to feel lonely and forgotten as a single mother, especially when the date on the calendar yells to us that we shouldn’t be… But by making simple changes, one by one, we can achieve tremendous results in our lives, including, finding the special person who will bring us flowers even when it’s not Valentine’s Day!

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By Mario P. Cloutier and Diane Sawaya Cloutier

Valentine’s Day. The name itself resonates with romance, love and fireworks! For many of us, it is a day filled with high sentimental expectations because after all, isn’t this supposed to be the day to express your true feelings for the love of your life? The day when a bold statement, filled with symbolism, is supposed to be made not only between two lovers but also for the WHOLE world watching? That’s probably one of the reasons why February 14th (a.k.a. “V” Day) is said to be the “biggest” engagement date of the year in the U.S.  Absolutely!

But aside from romance, did you know the true love fest undoubtedly resides with the “love merchants” of the world? Yes Honey! For all the confectionary makers, restaurant owners, flower shops keepers, jewellery artisans, greeting cards manufacturers, champagne producers, fragrance makers, etc.; Valentine’s Day really translates, in the U.S. alone, into 20 BILLION$ worth of love! That’s a lot of love and coincidently, “V” Day happens to be just seven short weeks after the annual shopping peek: Christmas… How convenient!

We may sound satirical but make no mistake: we do see a lot of good with February’s red soaked date. Anything that promotes “love,” we are big fans of… as long as love remains true and doesn’t take second row behind other motivators…

So here’s the 4 main challenges we have with Cupidon’s annual frenzy, whether you are in a relationship or you’re not:
1. If you are in a relationship and put so much emphasis on being covered with roses and chocolates every time Feb 14th comes along, doesn’t it tell a lot of what you ultimately value in the relationship? Or is this simply an indication that you are not feeling loved the rest of the year?

2. If you are NOT in a relationship and are heartbroken just at the thought of not having new pics to upload to your social media profile, are you truly looking for love or is feeling “acknowledged” by the crowd really what you are looking for?

3. If you are in one of those stormy relationships, with the two of you always fighting over the slightest details all year around, are you using Valentine’s Day as a cover up for your dysfunctional romance?

4. If you are NOT in a relationship and are feeling melancholic about previous February 14th celebrations, (you know the ones before he or she ran away?) well if it’s the case, isn’t this the time for you to move on? How long will you accept to get stuck in your past?

In a nutshell, we think that if you are alone on Valentine’s Day, you should not necessarily see this as a curse. You probably spared yourself an over priced bad dinner in an overbooked restaurant with an awful service provided by overstretched and stressed out waiters, with someone who’s maybe only sailing the love wave… Just smile and be happy. You’re worth more than that!

But if you have someone dear to your heart with whom you’ll be spending Feb. 14th with, here’s what we hope: that you also have your own special date(s) on the calendar that you commemorate, date(s) that are only yours to celebrate when you don’t need flower shops or chocolate makers to remind you how lucky you are to have that special person in your life.

P.S.: For the record, we both loooooove flowers and chocolates!

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People often ask us, “What’s the one thing you have to do to find the right partner after having experienced a major heartbreak?” Our unequivocal answer is: Overcoming Fears. It’s the one critical factor that gets in the way of individuals venturing on the romantic recovery path. In fact, it’s so formidable that it can crush any budding relationship before it takes bloom. If you feel yourself fall into that trap, think of this well-known acronym for FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.

We all need to put on the right lenses because FEAR is just an illusion. It’s important to acknowledge and accept this reality. Otherwise, fear morphs into a delusion that you hide behind to shy away from starting any promising new relationship. Go ahead. Confront those angst-inducing anxieties. We guarantee you’ll come out on top!

Follow these tips to take charge of common fears that prevent you from embarking on a new relationship.

Become better acquainted with…yourself

The fear of being alone is nothing more than a lack of faith in one’s self. The irony with this one is that people deceived by it are seldom alone! They typically jump from one relationship to another without ever questioning why they can’t seem to find one that lasts. Yet, from one time to another, they expect different results. When a relationship ends, take time to really assess your beliefs, values, priorities–and your gratitudes. Challenge your relationship patterns by asking: What am I really attracted to in a man/woman? What do I value most in a relationship? Listen to your inner voice to know what really is best for you. Then, stop compromising. You should never settle because of the fear of being alone.

Focus on your “worthiness”

We are all familiar with the fear of rejection. Remember when you first went into that new school as a child and how badly you wanted to be accepted? Well, many specialists say that if you once experienced rejection as a child, you’re very likely to try to avoid it at all costs in your adult relationships. It’s one of our deepest human fears. Instead of falling victim to the fear of rejection by just giving up on finding a lifelong mate, take stock of your self-worth. Build a foundation of self-respect based on what makes you your unique self–your life experiences, your successes and disappointments, your personality and your passions. Who you are as an individual makes up your self-worth, and self-worth increases “love-worth.”

Fly below the radar at first

Another fear that gets in the way of finding love is an irrational fear of failure or defeat. Whenever those with this phobia confront any scenario in which they sense the possibility of failure, their brain automatically signals a fight or flight reaction and they run for the bushes. But here’s our recommendation: Ease in slowly to any new relationship. It’s better to befriend a romantic interest first. Take the time to show who you are and to truly discover the other person before the stakes become too high. Then, if the chemistry isn’t there or your values don’t align, there’s no crash-and-burn defeat to recover from.

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Here’s the plain truth: If we want to change an outcome in any area of our life, we have to stop wishful thinking and put up a game plan to get better results. It’s that simple.

And it dawned on us again after we gave a radio interview the other day on our book. It was one of those interviews where you could just sense that the show host had never read our material and was simply trying to “wing” it. Not the best of energy…

She kept asking questions that were just off topic to both of us. On each occasion we subtly deviated our answers and tried to gently bring her back to the essence of our content. When she finally realized that we wrote a self-help book for people who are still seeking to find the ideal life partner in spite of how many heartbreaks or separations they may have had, the radio show host blurted out something like this:
“Well, I’ve been married for more than 40 years to my college sweetheart, and I just can’t understand why so many people are jumping from one relationship to another!”

To make a long story short, we sincerely congratulated her on the longevity of her marriage and concluded the interview by confirming three things:

#1: Our book was probably not for her…
(Though we’ve had comments from people in current relationships who said it has helped them a lot)

#2: Despite her success, today’s sad reality is that more than 50% of marriages and free unions end up in a breakup.

#3: This often surprises the people who are the closest to us, but we too have our moments of “wishful thinking.” Yes, we have had several “big ideas” that we didn’t act upon and therefore, have never materialized… Mario for instance, had this great idea for the perfect wine chiller… which he eventually left aside to focus on what he does best in that field: drink the wine!

Joke aside, we believe in the power of dreams and pursuing goals. But they are very different from wishful thinking because real dreams and goals have a game plan attach to them. In fact, ever since we got together, we’ve made this a practice and a critical component of our relationship.
A few times a year, we sit down and review our goals in all areas of our lives. As a result, we’ve been blessed with the manifestation of several of them, but more importantly, with the understanding of a big revelation: the BIGGER the goal, the more FOCUS and DEDICATION it will take. Nothing to do with wishful thinking…

We believe that everyone has the capacity to choose and act towards what they intend to create in their lives. Sentimental relationships are no different, whether you are in one or longing to have one. It starts with a clear decision. For us, the decision and goal at the top of our accomplishments is without a doubt the one we made long before we met each other: to no longer settle or compromise for the relationship we wanted. And here’s the best part: You, too, can make that decision.
Decide to shake things up in your love life. Make a shift. Stop the wishful thinking and put up a game plan to get the desired results.

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