We naturally think a couple is made of two people and for good reasons.  When two individuals start being romantically involved and choose to be together, this notion of “couple,” or a pair of people teaming up on their life’s journey, takes form in our minds. Intuitively, we begin thinking of that new relationship as an ensemble of two folks. Right? Well, we think it’s false. The “Couple Notion” is a Myth.

You see when a couple gets formed, the new “unit” may look like it is a party of two, but the reality is very different. It’s more a group than anything else; it’s an extension of two. Both partners are bringing all kinds of folks along for the ride: parents, friends, siblings, work colleagues, maybe children, extended family members, ex’s, fellow college students, etc. And that group will change for sure as the couple lives on. Some new members will be added while others will simply leave.  However, the couple’s reality is that its core group members will stick around and, like it or not, will have an influence on the couple’s relationship.

Soooooo… since a couple is truly an ensemble composed of a group of people, why are we surprised of its complexity? Look, human beings are emotional containers. We all start off the ride with what God has

already poured in us, but as we go on, we continue to fill up our emotional containers with layers of physical and spiritual experiences. Some of these layers obviously get thicker than others and simply carry more sensitive weight. That’s why the fabric of it all makes up for who we are, or as many say, the product of our environment is simply “who we end up being.”

That’s why we need to be conscious of that if we intend to see our relationship flourish. To be clear, we are not advocating that you should kick out all of your acquaintances and focus solely on your partner. In fact, it’s not only good to be inclusive and share our lives with others, it is also a responsibility. But what we are saying is that at one point, we all need to step back and remember what made us a couple at the first place! The plain reality is that we did not fall in love with our significant other’s group members. We loved the other person first and then came the crowd… If you truly care about your relationship, at one point it is very healthy to take time to step back together, just you two without the entourage. And with the summer in full bloom, it is a great opportunity to isolate “couples only time.”  A time for love rejuvenation!

The post The “Couple Notion” is a Myth appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.

There is nothing like the optimistic promises of the Spring Season. The air is filled with revivals, new beginnings and new love! It is the time of the year when many new romances blossom, when new lovers seem to literally step out of their own skins! You know the head over heals feeling? Have you ever experienced anything like that? Well, we have!!!

When we first got romantically involved –it was in the Spring Season- the sparks, went off… But the best way to describe some of the fireworks is probably from our individual perspectives, so let’s hear it.

Mario: “I was so in love with Diane that I could not get her off my mind… I wanted to be with her all the time. I remember one instance when I sold the idea to my boss that I “unexpectedly” had to travel to Toronto for a last minute important meeting with Team members… What I really wanted was to surprise Diane who happened to have a business meeting with her employer of the time in the same city. And surprised she was… During our “Spring Season” I wrote her love letters, like one a day for a month. Heck, I also wrote her a love song! I sent messengers to her office with parcels identified as “PERSONAL & CONFIDENTIAL” since I did not want anybody but her to open them up… And like many new couples, we had our songs. So I used to leave her voice mails with one of our songs blasting in the background. It was crazy and wonderful.”

Diane: “When he showed up unannounced in Toronto, that really sealed it for me. It still gives me goose bumps thinking about it. I also loved to jolt Mario with surprises all the time. I sent him flowers to his office regularly because he had once told me that he loved flowers but had never gotten any. So I sent him huge ones, not just your regular bouquets, to the extent that it became a running joke with his working colleagues:

“Ok guys, Cloutier just got another one today. He’s showing off again!”

I too rearranged my working schedule multiple times whenever possible so we could travel together. I guess early on we both decided not to take each other for granted. So you’d see us inviting one another to a night out in the middle of the week and we’d stay home when most couples wouldn’t.” 

When we revisit that “sparks” period of our relationship, what strikes us is that we have continued to do many of those things through the 18 years that we’ve been together. But like any other couples, we too have had our fights, trials and tests, many of which we talk in great details in our book. When we are asked, “How do you keep going strong? How do you overcome your fights?”

Mr & Mrs Smith, 2005, 20th Century Fox

Well, we would certainly not recommend you copy Brad and Angelina… The first thing for sure is always to try to keep our emotions in check. It’s easier said than done but it’s always a good start. Secondly, we default to a set of tools, a “protocol” that helps us avoid the minefield…
We’ve called it the “4 Fundamentals to avoid the “Fight or Flight” situations in your couple”

Fundamental #1: Have a Couple’s Vision
Couples with no compelling, aspirational and clear visions don’t tend to last. Of course you and us know several “unions” that have gone on for decades without any such thing. They’ve stuck (the verb seems appropriate here…) together in spite of passion, respect or love, for financial reasons, the kids or something else…

“Power Couples” all have a compelling, aspirational and clear vision of what they intend to aim for together. That’s what makes them stronger, inspire them to move forward and guard them against futile arguments that can turn into unproductive fights. Once you crystallized your vision, it will serve many purposes but the primary one will be to help you remember “why” you are together at the first place.

Fundamental #2: Taboo Talks
We all have taboos as individuals, stuff that we want to keep hidden under the rug for no one to see. Couples are no different, but when taboos remain unaddressed, they can turn any benign event into a big drama that could have been avoided in the first place. What are the taboos in your relationship? Is it a former lover? The fact that you are financially “better off” than your partner? Is it your kids versus hers? Or an unsatisfying sex life?

Whatever it is, unveil those taboos, talk about it and establish a satisfactory protocol between the two of you that will help you manage “potential dramas.” Such protocol could be as simple as saying:
“Hon, I think we are entering taboo territory here so let’s be cautious about what we are gonna say or do.”
It could also be:
“You know what, this (fill in the blank) is totally off limits for me. I just want you to be sensitive about it because I am not ready to address it.”

Fundamental #3: Use a Conflicts Resolutions System
The verb “conflict” is often defined as “to come into collision.” We’re sure you’ve been there in your couple. The thing is, it’s so easy to get irrational when conflict arises. Our experience has been that real conflicts happen when an important decision, one that will ultimately affect the couple and/or the family, needs to be taken. Just to name a few, it could be a career change, the purchase of a new home or the necessity to have an elderly parent move-in with the family. Well this may sound simplistic but we have learned to manage conflicts with scorecards. Yes scorecards! Allow us to share a personal example here.

We have bought two homes together. As it seems to always happen with a couple about to make such an important transaction, each time we both had slightly different visions for the whole thing. So we established a scoring system that helped us keep our emotions in check! We individually made a list of criterions that were important to us: size of the house, airport proximity, garage, swimming pool, price, type of community, lot size, age of the house, distance to golf course, municipal taxes, etc. We then reconciled our lists, agreed to put points next to each criterion and total them up. Each time we visited a house, we would score each of them individually and then share our score. We also established that if our scoring system totaled a maximum of 100 points, the “passing mark” for any house to be considered would have to be no less than 70 for BOTH OF US. That type of system has made wonders for us not only with our real estate transactions but also with any other major decisions where we wanted to leave our emotions aside.

Fundamental #4: Set your Couples’ Laws
Even successful couples quarrel from time to time. There is nothing damaging about it provided you have boundaries that will protect and not jeopardize your relationship. Think of them as “Couples’ Laws” that must be established ahead of time before any arguments arise. This prevents sentiments to blind you from the issue at hand. Examples of Couples’ Laws could be:

• We will not interrupt each other when one’s giving his/her perspective.
• It’s not about being right. It’s about getting to a common ground and resolve the problem.
• We will be respectful and weigh our words before unleashing them so we won’t regret saying them.
• Sometimes we will agree to disagree. This may mean we will step back, take the time to reflect and snooze on it a little…

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For many traditional or blended families, when the school bells go quiet for the summer, a new kind of bell often rings in parents minds, signalling the coming of a new season: family vacation! Unfortunately though, it can also be a time of insanity, one that we call the Family Vacation Madness! One or two short weeks when parents decide to take the whole clan away from its regular buzzing schedule, only to replace it with… more activities and things to do. We’ve been there and done that…

About 2 years after we got together, we decided to go to Florida on a one-week family vacation with our 3 kids who were in their early teens at the time. This was many years before we found our little corner of heaven on Florida’s Treasure Coast.

The trip was action packed. If you have ever experienced one of those, you can probably relate to what we went through… If not, well, have you ever stood in line for your rental car in a Florida international airport behind a family of 5, stepping up and down amidst 24 luggage pieces, waiting for their mini-van? That was us! Only difference between our family and the ones we see today is that our kids wore cumbersome headsets plugged to mini-disk players back then, rather than the white-wired smartphones we now see teens with. Yes, each era bears its own blessings…

Like any average family visiting Florida for the first time; we managed to squeeze thousands of miles on that one-week rental. East Coast, West Coast, South Beach, Disney, Universal, a bit of golf (yes Daddy had brought along his other cherished children for the ride…Fore!!!) and everything else in between. Add to the hectic schedule the Diplomacy 101 required by any teenagers parents of a recently formed blended family on a vacation trip, and you get pretty close to the total picture.

Half way through that week we were already exhausted, imagine at the end! To make matters worst, in our infinite wisdom, we had booked a late return flight, which was landing way past midnight, while both of us were working the very next morning… In Mario’s case, he had to leave in the wee hours for a one-week national corporate meeting in which he was the opening presenter! It took us weeks to recuperate from our vacation…

Here’s our simple advice

In spite of its aggravation, we keep great memories of that trip. It served as the foundation for what have become other wonderful family vacations since then. What we have changed as a couple though, is to make sure that our “family down time” stands for what it is supposed to be. A recharging time for all.

If you are coming out of your Family Vacation completely drained out, take this as an opportunity to properly plan your next breaks over the years to come, and more importantly, bring your family on board with you. Try to find the balance required to do activities as a family but make sure everyone understands that it should also be a recharging time for all. We have, and it has made a huge difference in our relationship and in our lives.

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