We believe there is one critical factor that often comes in the way of individuals venturing on the “romantic recovery path.” But it is so treacherous, so deceitful, that we like to refer to the phenomenon as the Impostor. This individual is very, very good at what he does and he finds sadistic pleasure in adapting his disguises, simply to deprive folks like us from one of our fundamental birthrights: the right to love and to be loved.

So who is that Impostor? Well, he’s a shorty. Just a four letters word: FEAR! But don’t get mislead by his diminutive stature. The fellow has proven time and time again that he can stall anyone who’s not watchful enough. As any great impostor, he uses several covers to achieve his means and deceive us. So let’s look at three of his most famous ones.

The FEAR of Being or Staying Alone
The Fear of Being or Staying Alone is nothing more than a lack of faith and a lack of confidence. The irony with this one is that people who get deceived by it are seldom alone! They typically jump from one relationship to another without ever questioning why they can’t seem to find a lasting relationship. Yet, from one time to another, they expect different results… Our advice here is simple. Stop compromising. You should never settle because of the FEAR of Being or Staying Alone.

The FEAR of Rejection
This is one of our impostor’s favourite camouflage and one many of us have experienced first hand. Remember when you first went into that new school as a child? Or, when you had just moved to that new neighbourhood? Remember how you badly you wanted to “be accepted” by the new kids you just met? And if they never “took you in,” the only thought of it probably still hurts years later… Well, many experts say that if you once experienced rejection as a child, you are very likely to try to avoid it at all costs in your adult relationships. Including of course, your love life. It is one of our deepest human fears. FEAR of Rejection victims will just give up, and they would rather stay alone than even try to find a suitable mate. If you feel you fall in that trap, think of this well-known acronym for FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.

Kakorrhaphiophobia
Now this is some serious costume for any impostor and a most effective one for FEAR. Kakorrhaphiophobia is the fear of failure or defeat. The name is derived from the Greek phrase -kakos-, meaning bad and -phobos- meaning fear. In other words it is an intense, irrational fear of failure or defeat. According to many psychologists, individuals dealing with this phobia may fear failure from every angle of their life and should feel that they must constantly show themselves as being better, more in control and extra competent than others. A kakorrhaphiophobic individual might aggressively compete with peers, household members, co-workers and will obsessively seek acknowledgment of their achievements. What triggers the phobia? Specialists agree that a person suffering from Kakorrhaphiophobia has suffered a real-life trauma at some point in their life. Subsequently, when the phobic person confronts any scenario that even remotely reminds them of the trauma, their brain automatically signals a fight or flight reaction. And they run for the bushes… So here’s our recommendation. If you recognized certain of your personal behaviours, we would strongly encourage you to seek counsel from an acknowledged therapist on this issue.

It’s important that we all acknowledge and accept this reality: FEAR is an illusion. It morphs, disguises itself into a mirage behind which we often hide to shy away from starting any new blissful relationship. Go ahead. Confront the Impostor in your life. But if you want to “fly away” from it all, do it for the right reasons!

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We naturally think a couple is made of two people and for good reasons.  When two individuals start being romantically involved and choose to be together, this notion of “couple,” or a pair of people teaming up on their life’s journey, takes form in our minds. Intuitively, we begin thinking of that new relationship as an ensemble of two folks. Right? Well, we think it’s false. The “Couple Notion” is a Myth.

You see when a couple gets formed, the new “unit” may look like it is a party of two, but the reality is very different. It’s more a group than anything else; it’s an extension of two. Both partners are bringing all kinds of folks along for the ride: parents, friends, siblings, work colleagues, maybe children, extended family members, ex’s, fellow college students, etc. And that group will change for sure as the couple lives on. Some new members will be added while others will simply leave.  However, the couple’s reality is that its core group members will stick around and, like it or not, will have an influence on the couple’s relationship.

Soooooo… since a couple is truly an ensemble composed of a group of people, why are we surprised of its complexity? Look, human beings are emotional containers. We all start off the ride with what God has

already poured in us, but as we go on, we continue to fill up our emotional containers with layers of physical and spiritual experiences. Some of these layers obviously get thicker than others and simply carry more sensitive weight. That’s why the fabric of it all makes up for who we are, or as many say, the product of our environment is simply “who we end up being.”

That’s why we need to be conscious of that if we intend to see our relationship flourish. To be clear, we are not advocating that you should kick out all of your acquaintances and focus solely on your partner. In fact, it’s not only good to be inclusive and share our lives with others, it is also a responsibility. But what we are saying is that at one point, we all need to step back and remember what made us a couple at the first place! The plain reality is that we did not fall in love with our significant other’s group members. We loved the other person first and then came the crowd… If you truly care about your relationship, at one point it is very healthy to take time to step back together, just you two without the entourage. And with the summer in full bloom, it is a great opportunity to isolate “couples only time.”  A time for love rejuvenation!

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It’s very easy to get lost in the day-to-day craziness of things when you do not take time to re-charge your couple. There’s so much to do, so many people to take care of and a plethora of deliverables to be accountable for. So how do you stay relevant as a couple? Well, you make time for each other, meaning… you take a VACATION! And if you lack inspiration, here are 12 Vacation ideas To Re-Charge Your Couple.

#1 LEAVE ALONE, THREE’S A CROWD: We understand you love your kids, your friends and your pets… HOWEVER… take some much needed “Alone Time!” This means Aunt Norma should not be part of the itinerary either! It doesn’t matter how long you take, but we think it should be at least a 3 to 4-nighter.

#2 STATE RULES & OBJECTIVES: Transparency is key here. Why are you taking this time alone together? What do you want to accomplish? Reconnect? Feel important again? Say it!!! And while you’re at it, establish common unbreakable rules for your time off together. (e.g. no phone calls to mom, work emails are prohibited, etc.) Respect each other’s choices, and yes, make compromises.

#3 PLAN IT TOGETHER: Vacation planning is a balancing act because frequently we see one of the two in the couple  as the “Lead Organizer” while the other typically enjoys “Being Organized.” This time we recommend you try to soften or strengthen the role you usually take in the exercise. Furthermore, when both are involved in the vacation planning, there’s no room for blame in case something goes wrong with the accommodations, flight or activities. And it’s more fun!

#4 SPEND TIME IN NATURE: The beach is good, but, one without a Volleyball State Championship Tournament is not so good. Get the picture? Quiet time in nature has a way to reconnect a couple’s soul like nothing else.

#5 STAY UNPLUGGED: We know this one’s gonna hurt… But hey, you can’t comply to Idea #1 if you carry your entourage in the Cloud… If this is too hard for you, keep it to a minimum or for emergencies. Besides, you may want to establish that as a specific rule…

#6 JOURNAL IT: You heard it before, if it’s worth living, it’s worth recording. Take time to reflect each day on the positive stuff you are “re-discovering” about your partner. And YES, you can use your smart phone if you’d rather keep a digital record. HOWEVER… airplane mode is mandatory here.

#7 MAKE SOMETHING NEW OF WHAT YOU BOTH LOVE: Okay this will require a bit of creativity. Let’s say you both love cycling. Why not rent a tandem for a change? You love trying new dishes when you eat out? Why not elaborating an exotic feast by yourselves? You guys love to read the latest thrillers? Why not outlining a genuine story of your own and let your imagination go wild? The possibilities are endless… and fun!

#8 TREAT YOUR MATE: You know what he/she loves. At least we hope you do… But the point is not to blow up the bank in order to spoil your lover. After all, she may love diamonds but if he has a weak spots for Porsches… this “treat” thing could really put you under… No, the intention here is to display your love with small attentions. Like inviting her to a diamond hunting expedition in flee markets? Who knows what you’ll find!

#9 DON’T FORGET TO REMEMBER: Remember how you guys met? Do you ever talk about that? What was it like when you realized you were in love? The feelings, what were they? What did you like the most about the other? This is your foundation as a couple so it is certainly worth reminiscing and talking about it.

#10 SCHEDULE YOUR NEXT TIME OFF TOGETHER: We understand you have other important responsibilities and that time is scarce. Nonetheless, your alone time should not be limited to summer vacations. We’re not talking “date nights” here, although those are very important as well. We’re talking about other 3-4+ nighter get-aways. Make sure you schedule at least another one within the next 6 months. In fact, one every 3 to 4 months would work wonders in your relationship.

#11 WHAT’S YOUR VISION: Did you establish a vision as a couple? No? Do one now! What do you want to accomplish together? In your church, your family, your health, your work, your finances, etc. Whatever it is, you two need to agree on everything. It’s your vision! Then, write it down and revisit it at least twice a year. If you have one, well dust it off and make sure to review it together before you get back to civilization…

#12  READ YOUR JOURNAL TO EACH OTHER: Conclude your get away by sharing your journal notes with the love of your life. This seemingly simple gesture, along with your couple’s vision, could continue to fuel you for weeks to come.

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Well, it’s happened to many of us, and sadly, it is still more prevalent than we think. In a Great Britain survey, over a third of 1,500 adults sampled, admitted being married to the wrong person. Shocking isn’t it? But it gets worst…  In another research, 42% of people using the Tinder dating app said that they already had a partner but, just kept looking…

That got us thinking. How could we coach a couple that would come to us for help after realizing they fell in love with the “wrong person?” What if Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump fell in love?

What If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump fell in love?

Here’s how we think the coaching session would go:

Mario: “How can we help you?”

Hillary: “Donald and I differ on too many issues now, and we both wonder if it can be reconciled. Quite frankly this is making me question if he’s the right partner for me.”

Diane: “Well this sounds like a very blunt assessment. Let’s start with you Donald. What do you think Hillary’s referring to?”

Donald: “I don’t know what she’s talking about. I think I’m a great partner. In fact if you knew me, you’d probably say that I’m among the best you’ve ever met. She’ll never have a better partner than me!”

Hillary: “Here we go again…”

Mario: “Okay, let’s try this… Donald, what would be your #1 reproach to Hillary?”

Donald: “I think she’s not transparent enough. It’s as if she has stuff she keeps hidden on a personal server somewhere…”

Hillary: “I told him many times that I will happily divulge anything he wants to see once he too unveils his personal stuff.”

Diane: “Alright then. What about you Hillary. What’s you top grievance with Donald?”

Hillary: “I never know where he stands. He speaks from both sides of his mouth and keeps changing his opinions all the time!”

Donald: “I never, never, do that. Believe me! I’m just showing flexibility at times, that’s all. Hillary is not a flexible person. Believe me!”

Hillary: “See how he is? He’s very condescending with women to say the least…”

Donald: “She keeps playing that women card with me. She knows NOBODY respects women more than me. NOBODY. I think because she’s part of the establishment, she’s used to get it her way all the time.”

Diane: “Wow… Let’s try the gentleness side of things… Couples all have cute loving nicknames they like to use with one another in their intimacy. I’m curious to know yours. Hillary, how do call Donald?”

Hillary: “The Apprentice.”

Donald: “I like to call her Crooked.”

Mario: “Okay guys, it seems like we’ll have to leave your disagreements aside for now. But before you had your differences, there must have been something you guys agreed upon, something both of you wanted to have. What was it?”

Hillary: “Well we wanted a better future for ourselves.”

Donald: “Yes, ‘Make Our Lives Great Again’!”

Hillary: “Yes! And we both had this dream for a new home. You know a nice house all painted in white with an iron fence around it… Then, he changed his mind like he always does, and decided he would build a wall instead of the fence to protect us from immigrants and Muslims… And he wanted me to pay for it! That’s when things started to go sour.”

Donald: “Yep, I remember. That was bad. Worst than a bad hair day…”

Diane: “So you’re done with your “white house” dream?”

Hillary: “Oh hell no! I still want it! But I’d rather move in with a womanizer than a racist!”

Donald: “I continue to think the wall is a great idea. Anyway, I still want my “white house” too.  And I’ll have it with someone who truly appreciates my interior design taste. You know I have the greatest interior design taste don’t you? I mean the GREATEST! Have you seen pictures of Mar-a-Lago?”

Mario: “Thank you guys, I think we’ll call it a day…”

*******

Nobody ever said that individuals needed to be identical in order to have a functional relationship. In fact we believe a “Hillary / Donald” type of couple could be viable, provided both parties have a deep understanding of Who They Are and What They Are Looking For. When we have that in place, it shields us from making 2 major mistakes:

1. Being blinded by someone’s true colors. 
2. Getting involved with somebody so “alien,” that He/She will eventually look to us like a different specie.

Charlton Heston, Planet of the Apes, 1968, 20th Century Fox

And just to be clear, this is not about tastes. Tastes are always arbitrary. After all, who’s to say vanilla ice cream is better than chocolate? And this is not about novelty either. Novelty is good, but at one point, every novelty becomes obsolete. Remember iTunes?

So to have a long lasting, blissful relationship, let’s all think Love Match rather than Mismatch. The first step as we highlighted above is to understand Who You Are. This will require a bit of work, but it is highly important to help you recognize your Love Match or reconcile any differences in your existing couple.  Take some time to identify the 4 areas that define Who You Are: your Gratitudes, your Beliefs, your Values and your Priorities. We call that your GBVPs.

As a second step, make a list of What You’re Looking For of your next partner. If you already have, it’s worth going back to your list and check if it is still relevant! If you haven’t, try to be as precise as possible. And one last thing: go beyond the physical attributes of the person because that’s often how we tend to get blinded… Beauty is highly important but it transcends body features.

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This went on for over an hour but nobody was budging! To the extent that Diane decided to push him a little…

Diane: “Why don’t you just go talk to them?” 
Friend: “No, no, no. This isn’t something my generation does at all!”
Mario: -raising an eyebrow and thinking to himself “Well, that’s very nice of you to share this insight with us DINOSAURS… from a previous GENERATION!”
Diane: “What do you mean?”
Friend: “I mean I don’t know any of them. I would need an introduction of some sort, or else I’d look like a moron! It’s like Facebook or texting if you will. There’s a “code” to it.” 
Mario: “Yeah, Yeah, like DINOSAURS must have had a code amongst themselves before they got wiped out from the Earth.”
Diane: “Don’t listen to him… Tell me more about the code.”
Friend: “Well it’s complicated, but let’s say I’m introduced to this girl in a party somewhere and we end up exchanging phone numbers. Who-Texts-Who-First will pretty much dictates what happens next.”
Diane: “Why wouldn’t you call her instead of texting?”
Friend: “Because it’s part of the code! If I text her and she responds fairly quickly, we’re kind of cool. But if she stays quiet, after a little while I can look her up somewhere to see what she’s up to. You know on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or whatever… If she’s posted something after I texted her, chances are from her own phone, she’s basically telling me to buzz off.”  
Diane: “Well maybe not. Maybe she’s just focused doing what she was doing. Besides, couldn’t you simply interact with her on the social media feed she happens to be on?”
Friend: “Big No No in the code. This would be like stalking her. I’m no stalker… At this point I’d rather default to my dating app to try to meet someone instead of looking like a clown.”
Mario: “Or a DINOSAUR.”
Friend: “What’s with him and the DINOSAURS?”
Diane: “Just let him be…”

Needless to say that little episode got us thinking about how we accost Seduction and Dating as individuals. It’s probably fair to say that those of us, who were born before the 80s, have used different methods than our younger friends.  Millennials have integrated technology in their approach, an approach that many refer to as “the code.”

Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook Founder

But we can’t help to wonder, “Did Zuckerberg write the Millenials dating code?” We don’t think so… Although one could argue that his only motivation when he first started coding Facemash was to hook-up with girls… but that’s a story for a different post.

Look, we love you Millennials. We love you as work colleagues. We love you as community builders. We love you as idealists. We love you as children; after all, we have 3 of you guys! We just love you. PERIOD. And because WE LOVE YOU, we will look at 5 so called “code principles” and challenge them from a different perspective. Maybe not a better one, but one that we like to consider as “heart” based as opposed to… “cloud” based!

1) Who-Texts-Who-First
This seems to be at the top of “the code.” We’ve heard it a lot, and, every time we’re intrigued…  So you met the guy or the gal, you seemed to have had a connection, at least that’s what you think, but you’ll leave without asking if it’s ok to be in touch again? Why the unnecessary suspense? Just do you both a favor and clear the air before going your separate ways. Besides, you’ve got better things to do than spying an imaginary potential flirt on social media in response to one of your text message…

2) Each Pays Its Own Bill
We love this one. Long gone are the gender specific responsibilities in that area. But has it gone too far though? We think if both parties have been going out for a while, at one point the calculator phone app should be left alone when the waiter brings the bill… It’s ok to let the other pay from time to time. Independence is good, but if one always needs to break things down to the penny, that could be a red flag. Mr or Mrs Stingy could become very annoying somewhere down the road.

3) Don’t Emoji Me Too Much
Is this about Too much Emoji or is it about Too Much Attention? Believe it or not, it was the same phenomenon when phones were parked in booths on street corners as opposed to resting in our pockets… If one was always chasing the other down with endless phone calls or unexpected visits at the beginning of a relationship, this was a recipe for failure. Indeed we think it’s better to restrain the smiley faces when you’re starting off… if you don’t want to get an angry one!

4) Better to say “Good Friends” than “Boyfriend” or “Girlfriend” 
We get that Millennials don’t like labels. We also get that many want to avoid the “exclusivity” thing. Therefore several choose to stay noncommittal and say things like “Yes I’m seeing So & So but I’m keeping my options open.”  REALLY? Is this a mutual agreement? If it is, maybe you two need to start looking for another way to kill time… We hear bowling alleys are in dire needs of new players… On the other hand if it isn’t mutual, we think you’re way better than that. Stop playing games with that other person. You owe it to him/her and to yourself.

5) Waiting a Few Days to Wave Back
Some say it’s 3 days. Others go for a week before following up on a date so they won’t look stupid. Question is: Would you rather take the risk to look stupid instead of missing out on a compatible relationship?  Listen. There’s no right or wrong waiting period. You gotta follow your gut. However, we believe that if there is some kind of interest on your part, you should follow up sooner than later. Probably within a day or two. Remember, if you never swing for the fences, you’ll never hit a home run!

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Simonetta Lein (www.SimonettaLein.com)

Yes admittedly, Simonetta grabbed our voyeur’s attention with an interview she had done with Top Model Angie Everhart in her own home! How cool is that? We thought “Wow, we’re gonna get a sneak peek in the Hollywood home of a fashion icon! Start the slideshow!!!” But instead, what we got was an open-heart view on the soul of a woman whose battles are not much different than the ones many of us have to face.

In her thoughtful HuffingtonPost blog post, Lein gets Everhart to speak freely on her childhood dreams, the wish she has for humanity and of course, her views on fashion. Then, what caught us off guard as readers and without a doubt the interviewer as well when she was about to wrap-up the sit down, was when Angie shared her personal fight with cancer… Here’s what she said:

Angie Everhart (www.AngieEverhart.com)

“There isn’t a single family that’s not been touched by cancer in some way. I discovered I had cancer and I was very ashamed of it. I don’t know why, but that’s how it was. Then one day I decided it wasn’t my fault and I started to talk about it, to let people into my life, and I stated in front of everyone that I had cancer. In that moment my healing could begin. I accepted it and I wanted to fight it and I managed. I want to tell everyone reading this who’s going through this issue, to open themselves up to others. You can’t do it alone. Cancer must be fought together.”

Angie Everhart is right. We’ve all seen up-close the ravaging effects of cancer which more often than not, leave us feeling helpless. She seemed to have found her inspiration to challenge her battle by talking with other individuals about her disease and letting people in. Although it is certainly not a guaranteed medical cure, we love the idea of engaging others in the combat. And on a deeper spiritual level, on a “soul to soul” or “higher realm” level, we love it too.

At the start of the early 14^th century in the English language, the word inspiration came to be defined as the “immediate influence of God…” We all need to find the inspiration to fight the physical, spiritual and relational “cancers” of our lives. If we don’t, we just become sitting ducks. “Inspiration” is also a powerful warrior. Thank you Simonetta Lein and Angie Everhart for inspiring us.

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There is nothing like the optimistic promises of the Spring Season. The air is filled with revivals, new beginnings and new love! It is the time of the year when many new romances blossom, when new lovers seem to literally step out of their own skins! You know the head over heals feeling? Have you ever experienced anything like that? Well, we have!!!

When we first got romantically involved –it was in the Spring Season- the sparks, went off… But the best way to describe some of the fireworks is probably from our individual perspectives, so let’s hear it.

Mario: “I was so in love with Diane that I could not get her off my mind… I wanted to be with her all the time. I remember one instance when I sold the idea to my boss that I “unexpectedly” had to travel to Toronto for a last minute important meeting with Team members… What I really wanted was to surprise Diane who happened to have a business meeting with her employer of the time in the same city. And surprised she was… During our “Spring Season” I wrote her love letters, like one a day for a month. Heck, I also wrote her a love song! I sent messengers to her office with parcels identified as “PERSONAL & CONFIDENTIAL” since I did not want anybody but her to open them up… And like many new couples, we had our songs. So I used to leave her voice mails with one of our songs blasting in the background. It was crazy and wonderful.”

Diane: “When he showed up unannounced in Toronto, that really sealed it for me. It still gives me goose bumps thinking about it. I also loved to jolt Mario with surprises all the time. I sent him flowers to his office regularly because he had once told me that he loved flowers but had never gotten any. So I sent him huge ones, not just your regular bouquets, to the extent that it became a running joke with his working colleagues:

“Ok guys, Cloutier just got another one today. He’s showing off again!”

I too rearranged my working schedule multiple times whenever possible so we could travel together. I guess early on we both decided not to take each other for granted. So you’d see us inviting one another to a night out in the middle of the week and we’d stay home when most couples wouldn’t.” 

When we revisit that “sparks” period of our relationship, what strikes us is that we have continued to do many of those things through the 18 years that we’ve been together. But like any other couples, we too have had our fights, trials and tests, many of which we talk in great details in our book. When we are asked, “How do you keep going strong? How do you overcome your fights?”

Mr & Mrs Smith, 2005, 20th Century Fox

Well, we would certainly not recommend you copy Brad and Angelina… The first thing for sure is always to try to keep our emotions in check. It’s easier said than done but it’s always a good start. Secondly, we default to a set of tools, a “protocol” that helps us avoid the minefield…
We’ve called it the “4 Fundamentals to avoid the “Fight or Flight” situations in your couple”

Fundamental #1: Have a Couple’s Vision
Couples with no compelling, aspirational and clear visions don’t tend to last. Of course you and us know several “unions” that have gone on for decades without any such thing. They’ve stuck (the verb seems appropriate here…) together in spite of passion, respect or love, for financial reasons, the kids or something else…

“Power Couples” all have a compelling, aspirational and clear vision of what they intend to aim for together. That’s what makes them stronger, inspire them to move forward and guard them against futile arguments that can turn into unproductive fights. Once you crystallized your vision, it will serve many purposes but the primary one will be to help you remember “why” you are together at the first place.

Fundamental #2: Taboo Talks
We all have taboos as individuals, stuff that we want to keep hidden under the rug for no one to see. Couples are no different, but when taboos remain unaddressed, they can turn any benign event into a big drama that could have been avoided in the first place. What are the taboos in your relationship? Is it a former lover? The fact that you are financially “better off” than your partner? Is it your kids versus hers? Or an unsatisfying sex life?

Whatever it is, unveil those taboos, talk about it and establish a satisfactory protocol between the two of you that will help you manage “potential dramas.” Such protocol could be as simple as saying:
“Hon, I think we are entering taboo territory here so let’s be cautious about what we are gonna say or do.”
It could also be:
“You know what, this (fill in the blank) is totally off limits for me. I just want you to be sensitive about it because I am not ready to address it.”

Fundamental #3: Use a Conflicts Resolutions System
The verb “conflict” is often defined as “to come into collision.” We’re sure you’ve been there in your couple. The thing is, it’s so easy to get irrational when conflict arises. Our experience has been that real conflicts happen when an important decision, one that will ultimately affect the couple and/or the family, needs to be taken. Just to name a few, it could be a career change, the purchase of a new home or the necessity to have an elderly parent move-in with the family. Well this may sound simplistic but we have learned to manage conflicts with scorecards. Yes scorecards! Allow us to share a personal example here.

We have bought two homes together. As it seems to always happen with a couple about to make such an important transaction, each time we both had slightly different visions for the whole thing. So we established a scoring system that helped us keep our emotions in check! We individually made a list of criterions that were important to us: size of the house, airport proximity, garage, swimming pool, price, type of community, lot size, age of the house, distance to golf course, municipal taxes, etc. We then reconciled our lists, agreed to put points next to each criterion and total them up. Each time we visited a house, we would score each of them individually and then share our score. We also established that if our scoring system totaled a maximum of 100 points, the “passing mark” for any house to be considered would have to be no less than 70 for BOTH OF US. That type of system has made wonders for us not only with our real estate transactions but also with any other major decisions where we wanted to leave our emotions aside.

Fundamental #4: Set your Couples’ Laws
Even successful couples quarrel from time to time. There is nothing damaging about it provided you have boundaries that will protect and not jeopardize your relationship. Think of them as “Couples’ Laws” that must be established ahead of time before any arguments arise. This prevents sentiments to blind you from the issue at hand. Examples of Couples’ Laws could be:

• We will not interrupt each other when one’s giving his/her perspective.
• It’s not about being right. It’s about getting to a common ground and resolve the problem.
• We will be respectful and weigh our words before unleashing them so we won’t regret saying them.
• Sometimes we will agree to disagree. This may mean we will step back, take the time to reflect and snooze on it a little…

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After browsing the web for a few hours, I decided to step outside to do a bit of work around the house, but mainly, to digest what my main findings were. This is something I do on a regular basis, not the manual work (trust me on this…) but just the habit of getting away from my desk after a while to let my brain do the processing.

As I was weeding out our driveway, the UPS truck showed up with a delivery. We order a lot of stuff online so this was not unusual, however, what unfolded after really was one of those “omen” moments. Through the years, I had seen that UPS driver dozens of times in our neighborhood and pulling in front of our house. Aside from the customary nods or “thank you’s,” him and I had never engaged in a real conversation. That particular afternoon though, after I had buried my head in all sorts of divorce data, out of the blue my “new friend” started to share with me “how his wife of 30+ years” had recently left him! According to his version of things -I never got to hear the other party- this was something he had never seen coming, and thus, was completely devastated…

It is a situation a lot more common than most people think. A study published by the National Center for Biotechnology Information, correlates that about two thirds of divorces in the United States are initiated by women. Many other studies in the U.K. show percentages as high as 72% for a “female initiated divorce.” Of course experts have examined all kinds of gendered, cultural and societal data to try to explain their findings, but the fact remains: many men find themselves facing an unwanted divorce or separation.

Apart from encouraging him and wishing him all the best, I didn’t do any coaching with the Delivery Man that afternoon. He had a route to cater to and I had to continue to battle the weeds infestation… But I have worked with a good bunch of men who fit his profile. You want to know what they have in common? Aside from the obvious pain that they all partake, the unifying thread I found with most of them is one that still baffles me whenever they share it with me: THEY DIDN’T SEE IT COMING! And they say this with convincing emotions! They had no clue the relationship was in jeopardy so this divorce/separation “thing” came in as a total surprise.

So the question is:
Are divorces or separations more difficult for a man or for a woman?

No it’s not. We strongly believe the pain is not limited to, or more intense for a specific gender. However, what we agree with is that “the unwanted effects of divorce/separation” and “how people can pick up what’s left of their lives and move on,” depends heavily on how one can muster the courage to look at oneself with the utmost honesty.

Those are the most important ingredients to overcome such situations: COURAGE and HONESTY. You’ll find them, over and over again, in our 3-Course Meal Separation Recovery Recipe.

1st Course: Denial Is Only Denying You
Whether you are a man or a woman, you need to read this carefully if you’re amongst the
“I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING GUYS…”
Maybe you heard him or her saying on the way out “It’s not you…It’s me.” And you bought that. So perhaps you’ve been repeating to your pals and to yourself:
“We had it all! We had the perfect relationship!” You did not. Because He or She left!
There were clues. There’s always “writing on the wall.” Bottom line is this: you lived in denial.

Deep down, you knew and you know something was off. But you chose to look the other way. You chose to deny it, and because you did, now you still make the same decision to carry on with it. You keep on saying, “I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING.” Stop the denial. The time has come for you to look at your own behavior in that relationship and take responsibility. It’s about owning and understanding your behavior. Look back at the clues and ask yourself “What could I have done to prevent this?” Here’s a starting hint: ADDRESSING a situation will ALWAYS improve your outcome rather than IGNORING it. Denial is only Denying You.

2nd Course: Stop The Blaming Game
We find that too many of us get stuck in our past. We play what we call the blaming game. We’re very good at blaming ourselves and blaming the others or the circumstances for what happened in our lives. What is key to understand is, that THIS IS NOT ABOUT the OTHER or the CIRCUMSTANCES, THIS IS ABOUT US, so it means taking responsibility for our results.

In order to move ahead with our lives, at one point we need to learn to forgive ourselves or the other for whatever happened. It’s certainly not an easy thing to do. It’s sometimes really hard, but understand that forgiveness does not mean that what the person did is not wrong, or that we have to transform our Ex into your BFF and start hanging out together all the time! Although that could be a wonderful thing… What it means is, when we take responsibility and we forgive ourselves first, we are in fact giving ourselves permission to move forward. Forgiveness is our Free Pass to Love!
Stop the Blaming Game.

3rd Course: Let Go And Let God
You heard that one before and although we can’t take the credit for it, this is one we use not only in our coaching but in our personal lives as well. Whether we like it or not, there are things in this life that are totally out of our control, things that we just don’t understand. Maybe you did have the “perfect deal” with your now ex-mate. Perhaps there is nothing you could have done to prevent the breakup. Why don’t you turn to God and let Him carry the load?

Our experience has been that when we do, when we accept that we’re only human and that we need Divine Intervention, with time not only does it lead us to a place of peacefulness, it also gives us the responses we just could not see before, and, it shows us why we had to live through certain things. We hope it can be the same for you. Let Go and Let God.

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Do you believe in strategy? We do. In fact we keep advocating that “great things happen to well prepared people.” So when it comes to finding the ideal partner for a long-lasting blissful relationship, the same thinking applies. If you truly want to shift your love life from “good” to “GREAT”, you need to put effective strategies at work.

We know… this is in direct contradiction with what today’s society is preaching.We live in a world of instant gratification. We carry amazing technologies in our pockets that allow us to do things and get information in light speed fashion like never before. So naturally, we think that everything needs to be faster and quick. Our TV programming is filled with “reality” talent shows that convey the idea that we can become a superstar overnight! From nobody, doing stuff by ourselves with our selfie camera in a living room, to having our face plastered on the marquee of a Las Vegas strip casino! But does it really work that way?

Think further about our example. The truth about those million dollar act winners is that they are everything but an “overnight” success. They are masters. They’ve been working at their craft, diligently and persistently… forever! Everything they do was carefully planned and thought of long in advance, leading them to develop a system, a methodology that they have turned into a masterpiece. ALWAYS. Trust us on this. There is no such thing as an overnight Maestro. So when we want our love life to be a masterpiece, why should we approach it differently?

Regardless of our age, gender, situation, or how many heartbreaks we may have had, if we truly want to find a long-lasting blissful relationship, this will likely involve a serious mindset shift on our part. It will necessitate learning new skills, and putting together a methodology, a new process towards love mastery. It will also entail the understanding that “process” takes “time”.

If you are ready to move, because for you, “good” is just “ain’t good enough” anymore; here’s our 10 Strategies To Shift Your Love Life From good to GREAT.

1. Choose No Compromise
   Make the choice of not settling anymore for anything less than what you truly want your next relationship to be. May sound simplistic, but it starts there.

2. Establish Your Self-Worth
   Get to know who you are. Not what you do for a living, not who you vote for, not your ethnic background, etc. Find out the real you by going within. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for, what you believe in, things you value and last but not least, what you prioritize in your life.

3. Take Stock Of Your Love-Worth
   Who’s gonna love you if you don’t? Filter through your Self-Worth answers, then determine and understand what makes you vibrate! When we take stock of what matters to us, what we truly care about, we take stock of our love-worth.

4. Forgiveness Is Your Free Pass To Love
   Are you holding grudge against anyone? Perhaps your own self? The plain truth is you have to stop looking backwards if you want to move forward. You have to forgive to be forgiven and be set free!

5. Be Clear On What You Want
   What is it that you want of your next relationship? Note that we did not drill it down to a person yet. This is about the relationship, the whole package made up by two individuals, which obviously includes you! From there, drill it down to what you would like your next partner to be. The more details the better. Clarity is Power.

6. Generate The “Well-Thought…Thoughts”
   There are actually two full chapters in our book on that topic, so we won’t be able to explain it in full details here. In a nutshell, this is where you get to flex your IQ
   (Imagination Quotient) to start attracting your ideal life partner. It is a 5 steps process:

1. Clarifying
2. Intentioning
3. Believing
4. Thanking
5. Attracting
   
   7.Run A Tight Ship
   This is the 1^st step to help you qualify if an individual can be “the one” you’ve been looking for. This means your expectations for the “relationship to be” should be clear for you and the other person. Act with leadership and decisiveness.

8. Choose Carefully Who Gets In Your Domain
   You are the CEO of your domain. As you resume dating, you will need to show up prepared for your first “meetings” with the individual, just as any good CEO would do. At this stage, improvisation will only stall and deviate you from your process.
9.  Enforce Your Personal Laws
   These are the non-negotiable, non-breakable laws or rules that you state for yourself to ensure that you are moving along with the right person. They scream loudly how much you love yourself, they reinforce that you are priceless, and thus, not willing to compromise your own self just to be with someone. Personal Laws emphasize that anything of great value deserves to be handled with care. Go ahead make a list and stick to them.

10. 10. Do Your Homework
    “The dog ate my homework” won’t do it for you any longer. Any process requires work, and this one will have to be on yourself. You will have to take the time to do self-reflective exercises because guess what─ nobody can do this for you!

We understand all of the above could be hard to register at times. If you haven’t already, we encourage you to download the free templates available on this website to help you complete some of the exercises highlighted in this post.

ReLovenshiply yours!

The post 10 Strategies To Shift Your Love Life From “good” to “GREAT” appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.

Before we answer the question, let’s define “romantic failures.” As aching as they are, we believe they need to be examined with a different set of eyeglasses. Look, we know it hurts, but there is an old quote that says:

Does this mean LOVE is a game of trial and error? Not necessarily. Hey, some nail it on their first attempt while many of us have bitten the dust a few times. Same was true in school remember? You busted your butt studying for the exam only to get a “C-“ (or worst… an “F”!) while your friend admittedly spent no time and got the “A+”… That’s just the way it is.

Therefore, we strongly think the so-called “romantic failures” should rather be looked at as “romantic setbacks.” Truly. A Romantic Setback can be an opportunity for a Life Changing Comeback. But like any worthwhile journey, the change can only be made when we take it step-by-step.

1. Draw A Portrait

Law Enforcement Squads do that all over the world when they chase down the bad guys. First, they analyze the crime scene with minute details. Then, they ask the Police Sketch Artist to get to work and draw what is known as a “facial composite.” They’ll also bring Shrinks in to analyze crime patterns. In a nutshell, they’ll make up as precise a portrait as they can of the individual they wish to one day take off the streets. If we “failed” more than once in our love life, why don’t we do the same, to make sure he/she gets the heck off our street? Why don’t we make a portrait of the type of person we keep falling for? What does he or she look like? What was I attracted to at the beginning? Where did we meet? Etc.

2. Become A Master

Some say, “If you wanna get better, you gotta work on your weaknesses.” We think this is good advice, if in fact, all you’re looking for is to “get better.” However, if you want to MASTER your love life, what we say is, “Copy the MASTERS, Focus on Your Strengths.” The top entertainers, business moguls, sports athletes, and so on; the ones that make it at the very top of their respective field do just that. They focus on their strengths to make them even stronger! Because that’s what sets them apart as MASTERS!
So what are your biggest strengths and attributes in a relationship? How can you make them stronger?

3. Take Ownership

We should always be looking for internal factors rather than external ones whenever we try to assess “what happened?” In other words, we need to take a close look at our own behaviour in the relationship rather than considering only the other party’s behaviour.

Listen. We know he was a jerk……. We understand she betrayed you…….
However, will he or she help you to move forward now? Of course not! So we need to be able to Take Ownership and ask ourselves the tough questions. Questions like: “What is it that I did to bring me to where I am? When did I first know things were going sour? What could I have done to prevent this?” Etc.

4. Try Gratefulness

Yes you heard that one many times before… but it’s true! Here’s the deal though: you can’t be phony. You have to be TRUE. Again we understand this is easier said than done. The plain truth is, sometimes we have to get mad before we can ever find the place of gratefulness.
So what is it that I am mad about? Is it the financial debts? Ok. Separation costs can be bitchy.
Is it that he left me for my “best friend?” Ouch… and Re-Ouch…
Or, is it that I feel I lost X good years of my life? That’s a tough one too. Time is the only non-renewable commodity we all have.
Whatever it is that we are mad about, we have to acknowledge it first. Brushing it under the rug will only deprive us from the invaluable teaching lessons we can find in each of our frustrations. Then, and only then, can we start to try to be TRULY grateful for what we experienced. Like it or not, there was some good stuff in there.

5. Practice Forgiveness

This one is First Cousin with our #4 step. You know the “mad stuff” we talked about? Thing is, we can’t carry that stuff forever. It’s just a too heavy load! Too many of us get stuck in our past. We keep playing the blaming game. We’re very good at blaming ourselves, others or circumstances for what happened in our lives. What is key to understand is, that if you want to kill the “F” word to move on in your romantic life, we need to learn to forgive ourselves, or the others, for whatever happened. Understand that forgiveness does not mean we have to make of our Ex our new BFF and start hanging out together all the time! Although that could be a wonderful thing. What it means is, when we forgive, we are giving ourselves permission to move forward and love again.

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